Monday, May 23, 2011

sometimes dreams need breaking


Empty.

My soul is empty.

I just got back from an amazing anniversary weekend with my love. I should be refreshed. I should be rejuvenated. I should be ready for this week.

But I’m not.

Instead I lay my head down on our couch and close my eyes for the last few moments before I head out the door. My Bible is at my finger-tips…but it remains there. Unread. My journal sits next to it. Unmarked. My prayers remain within me. Unspoken.

Why? It’s because I have rested, but I have not rested in Him. I have let my dreams creep back into my heart without being surrendered. Dreams that have not been broken to submission to the Lord are dangerous. They can take over the mind and torture. They brew impatience and boil with the urge to rebel. My soul is wild and reckless – it needs a bridle.

What is my dream? It is to pick up the guitar and sing - to compose new songs of praise to my Creator. I yearn to go and sit at my desk and write – write until my fingers are numb and my creative juices have nothing left to be squeezed. I long to be a voice in this generation – I voice that cries out for justice for the oppressed and mercy for the needy – for faith without works is dead. Good things are they not? Still, I know that good things are often the enemy of the best.

For now I am beckoned to silence. “Be faithful in little, My daughter” I am told. Deep down I know that my heart is proud. My very will needs breaking. My soul needs purging from its desire to do something great for the Lord. I have more clarity than ever, but it seems that vision is so far away at the same time. Is it not enough just to have Him, O heart? Though He withholds an answer, is He not still worthy to be praised?

And so I come yet again to surrender. I let Him break me, my dreams and all that I hold most dear. I cannot put my desires above Him. Life is too short to waste in mourning for broken dreams. Nothing is worth holding onto except for Him.

May my heart say evermore, “You alone, O God, are enough.”



“The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;
You hold my lot.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.”
 – Psalm 16:5-6

31 comments:

larissa said...

I needed this today. Your blog always speaks to my soul.

DaisyGirl said...

Thank you for this beautiful and perfect post.

Courtney K. said...

Thank you for sharing so openly. I needed to read this.

Lindsay J Neumann said...

Thank-you, it was good to know that I'm not the only one struggling with surrendering!

charmingly ordinary said...

A daily struggle for us all! Have you read the book "Shattered Dreams" by Larry Crabb? Check.It.Out. He really puts this sort of thing into a perspective in light of the Gospel.

SavedthruLove said...

thank you for sharing girl! I happen to be in a struggle season right now and my only hope is knowing that GOD has a plan and has it all under control but a part of me desperately wants to break free and be broken of this sinful desire... Thank you for writing, your honesty is always welcome and always appreciated and always needed in my little part of the world. :)

be blessed girl.

♥cheche

http://savedthrulove.blogspot.com

Emma said...

AMAZING! so perfectly true and you wrote it so wonderfully. love - 'dreams that have not been broken to submission to the LORD are dangerous..' and 'nothing is worth holding onto except for Him.' lovelovelove this post, thank you for sharing.

Amy @ dwell in the season said...

Wonderful post - thanks for your words of truth!
-Amy

Laura said...

So needed this right now. And so God, once again, works everything for our good. xx

A girl with a smile said...

He wants it all.
Surrender and He will give you the strength to.

Emily said...

I find days where I have the hardest time speaking my prayers or reading His word. Sometimes I force myself to do it, because I know how I'll feel after and others I give in to the separation.
Beautiful verse and it's good to cling to knowing that 'nothing is worth holding onto except for HIm.' I need to remind myself that more often.

Leslie @ top of the page said...

this is challenging me. thanks for hearing the Spirit beckon you to silence and submission. it is encouraging. also, i have a post brewing in the next day or two on the "enough" thing...i had a vivid dream with that very message...

Christin said...

I've been there- it's encouraging to know that others have similar feelings at times. Love the verse! Keep leaning on Him!

Jessica said...

This spoke directly to my heart today. Thank you for sharing! He alone is enough. It's in humility that we find true freedom in Christ.

Kristy said...

You write so beautifully Jennifer, sigh, so beautiful x

myheartstumbles.blogspot.com

Emily said...

oh my gosh blair. i feel humbled and shrunk down to size now. this is EXACTLY what i'm going through right now. my dreams, although they are seemingly good dreams, are brewing impatience and anger in me. i'm going to link my blog post to yours because you've said everything i would have said!

Emily
texasnj.dayeightmedia.com

Swirls of Happy said...

Oh my goodness, you are such an amazing writer and what a perfect message. Love your blog and happy anniversary. Your wedding pics are so beautiful...what a stunning bride!

The Soul Anchor said...

:-( Not fun. Not easy. And so frustrating and hurtful when there's nothing inherently "wrong" with your dreams or desires. The Lord WILL give you the desires of your heart -- he PROMISED he would, and he never fails. I don't know how that looks or what that means when God says "no" to something we desperately want, but I know what He said is true, even if I don't understand how....

Gennean said...

Thank you for this. I needed it more than you know!

Janette said...

"Is it not enough just to have Him, O heart? "

With my actions, I answer this question...

:-|


Great post and lots to think about...

Janette, the Jongleur

Jhen.Stark said...

Amen!

Krysta said...

Wow. Beautiful! What a timely reminder.

Chels said...

Incredible reminder of our Father .. thank you for sharing your heart.

Jennifer said...

@Charmingly Ordinary: No, but it "Shattered Dreams" sounds great! I will have to check it out!!! Thank you so much for the recommendation!

Jennifer said...

@The Soul Anchor: No, not fun or easy. I've been here so many times. He does give us the desires of our heart in accordance to His will and in His timing. It's just frustrating sometimes when I let my "dream" come to more importance than Him. I also know that waiting has great benefits...it's just not easy to wait as he molds us and scrapes off some nasty sinful stuff in my heart.

Warren Baldwin said...

Very good thoughts. We do need our will broken at times to remind us of the eternal one and his Will for us. wb

Amylou said...

your writing is so encouraging.
I'm so glad that God gave you these words.
I needed to hear them!

Sydney said...

Dreams that God has removed which we re-awaken are always so dangerous. I feel that so often as well! The way you write about it is SO refreshing!

Jeanine said...

Beautifully written my friend. I can relate to this perfectly. You wrote it better than I ever could :)) Thanks for sharing...
Jeanine

hannah singer said...

amen. praying for you, dear girl!

Jennifer Rod said...

althoug i read this a week late, it's just what i needed today. thank you for opening your heart here, you are a voice for Him; by sharing your deep experiences and needs you encourage us, your readers.

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