Thankful...a year and a half

Today marks a year and a half of marriage for us. We feel like we've been married for much longer than that though. I guess we've grown up a lot since our wedding day. I am so thankful that the Lord saw fit to bring us together. I was thinking back on when we were "getting to know each other" and dating. It was such a giddy time for me. Jonathan was my first everything. He treated me like a treasure. He pursed my heart with gentlemanlike valor...and he won it.

I cherish those memories of being young and in love. Still, you know what? Today's memories are better. Though our dating years were sweet, the past year and a half has shown me the depth and meaning of sacrificial love. I tear up just thinking about how blessed I am. I have seen my husband's love for Christ and for me in a new way these past few months. He has supported me ever since the Lord led me to quit my job and start something new. He has taken on the full burden of providing for us and given up so much. He has helped me build and given me the tools I needed. All of this has been without a single complaint. I sometimes feel like I've become a burden, but then I see just how much he loves me and my worries melt into nothing in his arms. Marriage is such a beautiful thing.

Still, I won't pretend that we feel lovey-dovey all the time. We are two very different people and those differences get annoying sometimes. We are just a pair of sinful, imperfect souls, but love covers that. It has been a blessing to learn all these things in the past year and a half. I look forward to the rest of my life with my wonderful husband. I look forward to building a home, pouring our lives into ministry, teaching our children to love Jesus and walking together hand in hand on this journey. There isn't anyone else I'd rather be with. I only pray that I can be as much of a blessing to him as he is to me.

"An excellent wife is the crown of her husband." - Proverbs 12:4

When my husband looks back on our marriage I hope he can say that I have been a crown to him. I want to bring him honor and never shame. I want to be of great worth. I want to be a blessing. I'm excited about learning to do just that in the years to come!

I'm more in love with you today than ever babe!





PS: Don't forget to enter the GIVEAWAY to win the cute "elsie" cowl!

Starting the journey...

Starting something new is never easy. As much as I love the thrill of a challenge, I hate feeling like I'm not good enough. It's only been two months since I started delving into photography. I've learned a lot, but there is infinitely more to know. This isn't something you become good at overnight. It takes lots of work, lots of practice and lots of determination. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really cut out for it when I see the long road ahead. Sometimes fear sets in...

Still I know this is the right road, even though I may feel a little intimidated. I often feel afraid to invest my life in this, but I can't let fear hold me back. I know I've been given this opportunity to be used as a ministry. I definitely want to use my photography to further the kingdom by giving away a percentage of what I make and to bless others. I am so thankful that God is leading me on this journey and I want to do everything to the best of my ability. There are so many things I need to learn to balance.

So here I am. My business is growing and my husband and I are investing in it. It's a little scary and wonderful at the same time.

Has anyone been in these shoes before?

Transitions

Were we live the weather is so unpredictable. It can go from cold to hot in what seems like minutes, especially during the fall. It makes it hard to transition into the autumn season. It feels like life is doing the same thing to me. These past few days back in the states have been really hard for me. I've been thrown from one setting to another and I feel rather lost. There is so much I still have to process, but life must go on.

I love the life God has given me. I'm thankful for where I am. Still, I know things in me are changing...things that need to change. I just got back from a quick trip home for an engagement shoot. I usually take the chance to take some photos of my family while I'm there. (Thus, these impromptu photos! I love the one above! It is my siblings in a nutshell!) They wanted to know all about the trip, but I found it hard to talk about. It was so good to spend time with them, but I have a huge heaviness that is weighing on my heart.

However, I hope to share more about what I experienced in Africa. This trip has help transition me into a new phase. I am changed. My leaves are falling and it is a beautiful, but hard thing. I pray God shows me where to go from here.

My heart is full. My mind is filled with beautiful and intense memories. I hardly know how to put them into words, but I hope to soon.


How have you all dealt with life's abrupt transitions?

Femininity

Sometimes I find that I beat myself up for having emotions. By nature, I am a pretty steady person. My emotions hardly ever fluctuate and it takes a lot for me to get upset or offended. When I do get emotional I hate myself for being so silly, but this shoot made me realize that woman's emotions are a beautiful thing. I wanted to be full of emotion because emotions are tied to femininity.

Women have the capability to feel things deeply. Our femininity allows us to have the capacity to mother children, to love and follow our husbands, to hurt when they hurt...to feel what they feel. Our emotions help bind us so tightly to the ones we love that little can break those ties. It is powerful. It's not a bad thing; it's beautiful. 

I would say that I am a "girly girl", but I always equated that with dresses and curls. I realize now that I've been leaving out an important part of femininity. My emotions shouldn't be pushed down inside me when they start to arise. Feeling isn't bad. I may need to control them, but I don't need to make sure they don't come out at all.

I think that being job-less for the past few weeks has helped me realize this. I am a very determined and  go-getter type of person. I like my own independence. I feel bad sometimes for having to depend on my husband for everything and suddenly becoming a full-time homemaker has been an adjustment to say the least.

Through this journey I've become a bit more emotional (and by that I mean maybe crying twice! Ha!). One day I told Jonathan that I was so mad that I was feeling all of these things and He said, "That's how your'e made Jen. God gave you emotions." Now, I see that my emotions are closely tied to my femininity. I am happy now to feel. I love making our home a safe and relaxing place for our little family. My emotions tie me these things and I am glad. God made women this way for a reason! I just never saw the benefit of that reason until now!

Have you ever hated your emotions or femininity before?


PS: You can find more of the photos from this shoot on my facebook page and photography blog!

This momentary marriage...

Lately I've been reading This Momentary Marriage  by John Piper. I've hardly read a handful of chapters, but I'm already seeing things in a different light. The books starts off by talking about martyrdom. (Funny way to start a book of marriage, huh?) What he has to say is very different from what you normally hear people talk about. Some of the comments I've heard make being married sound awful! It got me thinking about all the things people told us before we got married...

"It'll be a huge adjustment."

"The first year is the hardest."

"Just wait, the big fight is coming."

Well, we're still waiting for that fight and we actually love being married. Sure, we get frustrated sometimes and I know that there will be conflict and pain. Still, we are really hoping that we won't fight very much and we are very careful not to say anything negative or hurtful towards one another. We don't always agree on things, but have decided that most of the things we disagree on just aren't worth bickering about. We know how to push each others buttons, but choose not to do so. I think part of the reason we feel this way goes back to what Piper talks about in the book. We know that marriage isn't intended for simply for our happiness. Staying married isn't about staying in love. It's a covenant. it is meant to be a picture of God's relationship with His bride, the Church. 

Looking at marriage like this takes a lot of selfishness out of it. Now we certainly haven't perfected this by any means...our relationship is definitely not where it could be! By nature we are selfish beings, but the goal of conformity to Christ fuels our desire to love each other with selflessness. I know that we will hurt each other eventually, but in that moment we are called to forgive. Marriage is much bigger than we are. It is a beautiful, deep covenant. Knowing this helps when our differences get on each other's nerves! (And we are very different!) 

In marriage I am shown grace everyday. I am a flawed wife, and yet my husband loves me in spite of that. He chooses not to point out my faults, but encourages me and critiques me when needed in love. I am blessed to have a husband who has such a Biblical view on marriage. He shows me Christ every day by his actions. I look forward to raising children with Him to be little followers of Christ. What a beautiful and challenging calling!

So today if you are married, I encourage you to view marriage as the precious, sacred covenant that it is. Our culture has demeaned it's value but it is a beautiful thing. Sure, it's hard sometimes. In marriage the real you comes out, especially when personalities clash. But God has made this a tool to help you become more like Him! If you aren't married, seek God first. He never promised marriage to anyone, but He gives it as a blessing. He knows the right timing for you. I promise you can trust Him with that!


So what do you guys think about marriage? Have you heard those comments before? What is your experience and what has God taught you through the adventure of marriage?

Faith & Fear

I have embarked on a new journey. To be honest, I have absolutely no idea where I'm headed. I know this is the path of the Lord's will but at times I am terrified. The simple fact of the unknown, unplanned and unseen future causes worry to fill my mind.

You see, a little over 2 weeks ago God made it very clear to me that I was supposed to quit my job. I had no doubt that my time there was over. It wasn't the most exciting job ever, but it was comfortable. I had a full time position with benefits and I worked with nice people. Still, I knew I had to leave. I had no plans and nothing else lined up. My husband told me that I needed to follow the Lord's direction, but that didn't make it any less frightening to know that the paycheck was going to end soon.

I knew my Master was telling me, "take this step of faith and I will open the door."

So I did.

Here I am almost 3 weeks later with nothing on the horizon. My heart battles back and forth between fear and faith. The question of what lies ahead is almost maddening at times. Each morning I pray fervently for direction and every day I am comforted by His Word, by His Spirit and told that I need to trust in faith. He knows that I am desperate to follow His will. He knows I will do whatever He asks of me. He knows we can't make it to much longer before the money runs out. He knows my desires. He knows...

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for , the conviction of things not seen." (Hebrews 11:1)


"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6)


Faith - it is all I have to cling to. I have faith that He is good and that He has a plan for our lives. So I wait for the word of direction. I will continue to walk along the path He has laid out for me, though I know not where it leads or what my next step will be. I rest in knowing that He is faithful though I am faithless. He will fulfill His promises. His ways are higher and I trust Him.


So there you have it. Raw and real. 


I am jobless. 

Faith Spotlight: The Soul Anchor

Hey guys! I am very excited about today's post! Scout from The Soul Anchor is here today to share her heart. She always has very heart-felt posts. Though I haven't met her, I can really see her heart for Jesus through what she writes. It is really neat that she chose to talk about this topic, because God has really been convicting my heart of the same thing. If you read anything on my blog this week, please read this!

Hello everyone!  I am so honored to speak to you through Jennifer's "Faith Spotlight!"  I've loved reading the words of other women, and hopefully I can be a blessing to someone as well.  The things God teaches us are so individual and personalized, and I love that God works within each of us in the unique ways that we need.  I wanted to share with you one of the biggest lessons God has been teaching me this past year.  It's a lesson I'm still learning in new and developing ways.  I hope I never stop exploring this lesson either!

God has really molded my heart in the area of generosity.  If you look through the stories and words of wisdom all throughout the Bible, God is a HUGE fan of giving, of serving others, and of people who have a generous spirit.  There's a lot of examples I could point to, but I think the most famous verse is still the best:

"So let each one give as he purposes in his heart, not grudgingly or of necessity; for God loves a cheerful giver."  2 Corinthians 9:7 (NKJV)

To be honest, I used to be a pretty selfish person.  While I was a child, my parent's made me tithe 10% of my allowance, and I did so very grudgingly.  When I was young and I needed to buy birthday presents for a friend, I always wanted to keep the gift myself -- or at least buy something in addition for me too!  Growing up, I was always thinking about me, me, me.  When I got older and could be more responsible for myself, I stopped tithing.  I was kind towards people, but I was in no way truly generous.  But then, last year, I went through some very huge events full of trials and heartache.  Last year, I was stripped of almost everything I had.  Literally.  I lost the place I was living in and I began staying with friends and eventually my parents because I had nowhere else to go.  A mere two weeks after I had to leave my home, I lost my job.  I was unemployed, no place of my own, and hardly any possessions.  I had my car, my clothes, and my cat.  That was about it. 

It was then that I truly experienced the generosity of others.  People and then my parents let me stay with them out of the goodness of their heart, gifts came from unexpected places, and bills that I had no money for were somehow paid.  My dear friend, Laura, told me this saying that I will never forget:  "When you're in need -- give."  That thought rooted deep within my heart, and I decided to try it.  I had less than $20.00 in my bank account, but I went to the store and bought a $5.00 Starbucks gift card and a .99 Hallmark card, and in it, I wrote a note saying that the person who found this gift card is a valuable person, loved, and greatly cherished.  I didn't sign the card, and I left it randomly in the mall food court for someone to find.  And then I walked away and never saw who found the giftcard, but that was the point.  That was the beginning of the Lord teaching me that to be truly blessed, I must be willing to be a blessing to others.

Over the course of the next few months and into the following year, God taught me many lessons about the blessing of tithing and investing in the community I call my church, of picking up the tab for a friend at the cafe who you know is struggling and seeing the relief in their eyes, and of ways to be generous outside of money as well.  I have learned about the generosity of my prayers -- not focusing so much on my needs and my hurts, but of raising the name of others before God as well, of taking the time to volunteer and help out someone who needs it.  Whether it be mowing the neighbors lawn, taking the elderly lady across the street grocery shopping, watching the kids so a tired mom and dad can have a night out, or helping a teenager become more confident in their schoolwork, there are SO many ways that we can demonstrate a generous spirit. 

God asks us to be a cheerful giver -- he doesn't want us to give of our money, our time, or our efforts because we feel we HAVE to.  He wants it to be the joy of our hearts, and I can totally see why!  When you give freely of whatever you have to offer, you are opening yourself up to others.  When you give something up for someone, you become vulnerable.  In the same way, when you're willing to receive from another, you are opening yourself up to vulnerability as well.  Creating this space between two people opens the doors for love, for compassion, for an increased sense of community, and a common experience of blessing each other.  People who have generous spirits draw closer to each other, and those who are generous in the name of Christ also draw closer to the heart of God as a result.  I think it is beautiful that the word "charity" also means "love," and they should truly be thought of as one and the same.  To give cheerfully is to learn to love others, to validate their worth as fellow human beings, to acknowledge the interdependence that exists between communities, and to focus on the fact that what we have it not our own anyway.  All that we have is a gift and a blessing from God, and the best way that we can say "thank you" to him is to pass it on and be a blessing to others in His name.

..........................................................................................................................................................................................

Please check out her blog! You will be greatly encouraged by this beautiful young woman!

learning simple things

The pulse of worship becomes more intense with every line.

Hands raised.

Hearts open.

Over a thousand people sing out an anthem of praise.

We draw near to God.

God draws near to us.

It's so beautiful that would draw near to each one of us. As I sat in the back of the auditorium after worship, I was blown away by this thought: At the same time God was speaking to my heart, He was also speaking to so many others in the room. He speaks to each of us individually. Though hearing the same message and singing the same songs, He sees the hearts of all and has a different plan for everyone. The Spirit is vast. Just thinking about all that He was doing in that room (not to mention the rest of the world) absolutely astounded me. What knowledge! What power! What a great God.

And yet we live as if He is small.

We hear His voice and then forget what He said. We worship Him and live our own lives. We don't remember that the Bible is truly the Word of God. We fail to take the time to come before Him in awe of His majesty. Often you hear people talk about "going deeper" with God. What if we just grasped the simple things? Things like "God is love", and that we were once dead and now made alive in Christ. What if we really learned to pray and worship? What if we learned how to love? I am seeing that I know less about God than I ever have. Just the fact that He speaks to everyone at the same time, on an individual and personal level makes me want to worship. It makes me want to know my God even more.

Hands raised.

Heart open.

My heart singing out an anthem of praise.

When we draw near to God.

God draws near to us. All of us.

For now, I am just coming to Him as a child. I know nothing of His ways and I just want Him to teach me the simple things...for He has more depth than I can even fathom.

So the pressure comes...

Heavy is the burden that weighs upon my back

My heart cannot carry it; these walls are starting to crack

I know I’m weak and ever frail, so why do I even try

This pressure is too much for me, pressure on every side

But my strength is utter weakness; my victory is to lose

My triumph is when I’m pressed down, bent, broken, and bruised

For I am pressed into knowing no strength of mine, but God’s

I am pressed into loving His staff and His rod

Though I’m pressed to the ground, I am pressed into You more

I am pressed but not crushed, and Your life in me is outpoured

I give up holding back the pressure, so that my life will be unmarred

For my goal is to know all of You, including suffering’s scars

So the pressure comes, but let it come; it’s bruising is not in vain

It will press me into You and pour me out for the glory of Your name

Because of how You suffered Lord, I will not think this strange

Teach me to count it all as joy and be poured out for Your fame

It is better...

{Photos via weheartit. I thought they were beautiful.}

"Better to love God and die unknown than to love the world and be a hero; better to be content with poverty than to die a slave to wealth; better to have taken some risks and lost than to have done nothing and succeeded at it."

-Erwin Lutzer, Pastor of Moody Church

There's not much I can add to a statement like that. It sums up my hopes for this life on earth.

I want to live free from slavery to the things of this world.

I long to be so content with loving God that nothing else matters.

I desire to attempt much for God, regardless of the outcome.

Sometimes I wonder if I will really live like that. I fear a wasted life. But you know what? I can't live like that...not without the power of God working in me. I need His Spirit to do in me what I cannot. He is the God of the impossible and He promises to show His power in our weakness.

Thus, I give Him my love, my possesions and all that I do. All things are in His hands.

Failure means nothing. Success is meaningless.

Jim Elliot didn't write this in his journal after he had gotten to the mission field. He didn't write it right before he became a martyr. He wasn't even married yet, nor did he know that he would be one day. He wrote it before he even boarded the ship to sail to Ecuador. It was in a season of waiting and quietness that he penned this excerpt...no dreams fulfilled, nothing extremely great had been accomplished.

I read this and it pierced me to the core, because for a most of my existence I have measured my life's worth by my accomplishments. My success or failure impacted me greatly. When I looked at my life, I saw what I achieved, or hoped to achieve. Now I ask myself, does what I strive to attain in this life amount to anything in eternity? Does doing something great for God in the eyes of man make for a fuller life than one lived for Christ away from the spotlight and invisible to the history books?

It never really occurred to me that God may call me to do something, and it may fail in my eyes. (If it did, it was a fleeting thought.) He may call me to speak to someone and they may not respond. He may call me to do something that is an absolute waste of time in most people’s eyes. I may never do all that is in my heart. My life may be extremely brief. There have been many men and women of God that have been called to go to foreign lands only to die before they ever reach the soil. Is that a waste, a tragedy? Or might it be part of the great plans of all-knowing and all-powerful God?

I cannot claim to know the mind of God in this matter, but I do want to live every single day in such a way that I am ready and eager to meet my Lord. I want to strive for excellence in God’s perspective, not man’s. May I simply obey, not regarding the ‘success’ or ‘failure' of what I am called to do in this life. Only Jesus, His Great Name and His Kingdom matter in eternity. The greatness of mine matters less than a leaf floating in the wind. The less I am, the greater His power in my life.

If life ends tomorrow, will it be known that I lived for things that matter eternally or for my own personal (or even religious) achievements? There is a difference. Oh, there is a vast difference between achievements and a life spent for the sake of Christ.

As I plough ahead, death may lie shortly before me. I may head into a life that is far from what I ever dreamed. Even so, it can be full simply because I have God, I know Him and I live for Him. I have set my course - it it Christ. I cannot look back and be effective for the Kingdom.

So here I go. I'm digging my feet in and heading where He leads. I'm not looking back at things that have passed. I’m not taking glances at those who are headed on a different path. I'm not going to mourn the loss of my broken dreams that will be crushed under the weigh and worthiness of the Gospel. In reality I will lose nothing and gain Christ. I will love my life because God has given it, but I will not hold it too close for His sake, for the Gospel.

Failure means nothing. Success, it is meaningless. For Jesus alone I live and for Jesus alone I will die.

sometimes dreams need breaking

Empty.

My soul is empty.

I just got back from an amazing anniversary weekend with my love. I should be refreshed. I should be rejuvenated. I should be ready for this week.

But I’m not.

Instead I lay my head down on our couch and close my eyes for the last few moments before I head out the door. My Bible is at my finger-tips…but it remains there. Unread. My journal sits next to it. Unmarked. My prayers remain within me. Unspoken.

Why? It’s because I have rested, but I have not rested in Him. I have let my dreams creep back into my heart without being surrendered. Dreams that have not been broken to submission to the Lord are dangerous. They can take over the mind and torture. They brew impatience and boil with the urge to rebel. My soul is wild and reckless – it needs a bridle.

What is my dream? It is to pick up the guitar and sing - to compose new songs of praise to my Creator. I yearn to go and sit at my desk and write – write until my fingers are numb and my creative juices have nothing left to be squeezed. I long to be a voice in this generation – I voice that cries out for justice for the oppressed and mercy for the needy – for faith without works is dead. Good things are they not? Still, I know that good things are often the enemy of the best.

For now I am beckoned to silence. “Be faithful in little, My daughter” I am told. Deep down I know that my heart is proud. My very will needs breaking. My soul needs purging from its desire to do something great for the Lord. I have more clarity than ever, but it seems that vision is so far away at the same time. Is it not enough just to have Him, O heart? Though He withholds an answer, is He not still worthy to be praised?

And so I come yet again to surrender. I let Him break me, my dreams and all that I hold most dear. I cannot put my desires above Him. Life is too short to waste in mourning for broken dreams. Nothing is worth holding onto except for Him.

May my heart say evermore, “You alone, O God, are enough.”



“The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;

You hold my lot.

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.”

 – Psalm 16:5-6

In a perfect world...

Sometimes it is just fun to think about what I might like my perfect world to be...other things might include never having to do the dishes, a house that stays clean, and clothes that wash and dry themselves. haha.

Today I rather wish I was in my perfect world, but I know these little annoying things are important in teaching me discipline. Even in the little things I can strive to please the Lord.

But seriously, I wish I never had to do the dishes...however, I have a sink full and they are begging me to wash them. Off I go...

What would your perfect world consist of (if there was such a thing)?

I hope you all have a blessed Wednesday!