My pen filled the page with black words of anxiety. Sometimes it's good to write it all out. I let the heaviness leave my soul as my heart pours out, line after line. I feel rather like a child, pestering her Father with questions.
"Daddy, what about the money?"
"Daddy, how is this supposed to work?"
"Daddy, when will I be ready?"
"Daddy, where are we heading?"
"Daddy, Daddy, Daddy..."
In reply He just says, "Trust Me. I will take care of you."
He asks me to trust Him, and that is all the explanation that comes. I often wonder why I have been led to this place. I am compelled to give more than ever when I have less than ever. My only income is from my photography, and it's just not a whole lot right now. I'd be more than willing to find another job, but He says stay. It doesn't make much sense. Yet, He promises to provide so that His work may be done. He loves the cheerful giver. Though my future is uncertain, I have a hope that endures. I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I know I am being prepared for something.
So I can do nothing else but open my hands and let go of all I have. Trust - that's all I'm holding onto.
How do we know God's will for our lives? How do we know we are making the right decisions? I have often pondered on these questions at different times in my life. I found this quote the other day and thought I would share.
"Obedience to every command puts me on the track and keeps me there. Decisions of course must be made, but as in railroad, so in life - a block signal, a crisis, is lighted only where there is special need. I may not always be in sight of a 'go' light, but sticking to the tracks will take me where the next one is. Understanding the will of the Lord is believing Him, that He will - in all situations where I have obeyed - make that way His own way, effectual for eternity." - Jim Elliot, quoted in Shadow of the Almighty pg. 128
As I listened to the voice mail, I knew the time had finally come for an answer. I hadn't really worried about whether I was going to get the job or not after the interview. Instead of wondering if I'm good enough, I've been sticking to the "I am who I am" policy. I know that it doesn't really matter if I'm good enough at all, because God can do anything through me if it is His will. For 10 days I had been calm and patient, but yesterday broke my stoicism. All of the sudden I thought, "What if they tell me no? What if they choose someone else? What will I do then?" I spent the rest of the evening trying to quiet those nagging questions.
I woke up this morning with that phone call hanging over my head. "No matter what, I trust You LORD!" I prayed and then picked up the phone.
After the hellos she said, "We talked about all the interviews and it was a really hard decision."
I knew then that I didn't get it.
"You were one of the top 3 but..." and she started telling me why they chose the other girl. I hardly heard another word because disappointment washed over me like a flood. I dropped to the bed, engulfed in confusion. I was surprised, but somehow I already knew the answer I got today. Wait. Why had God directed me to pursue an open door just to shut it in my face? He knows my heart is to do His will, so why the waiting?
"For still the vision awaits its appointed time;
it hastens to the end—it will not lie.
If it seems slow, wait for it;
it will surely come; it will not delay."
(Habakkuk 2:3)
Wait. I'm pretty tired of hearing that word. I've gotten past feeling useless at home everyday. I have a schedule now and have plenty to occupy my time. I have my little photography business...but I know there is more. I know God is calling me to something else, but I must await the vision. On days like today, it is hard to wait. Still, I find my faith grows stronger with every passing trial; it is built up by waiting on God's direction.
The will of God is found in the pursuit of God...so I pursue and I wait.
"Can you tell me a little bit about your story?" she said as we got closer to the end of the interview. It had been exactly a month and a day since I began my adventure in unemployment. Here I was sitting in only my second interview. The first one was 3 weeks prior. I'd given up on searching and praying prayers that sounded more like begging than seeking the will of God. I definitely wouldn't have quit my job to take the one I was applying for. It only pays for 10 hours a week, but I'd be working way more than that. Going from having a job that is full time with benefits to something hardly enough to call part time sounds crazy. But there I was telling this woman that I was willing to sign up for it.
Am I crazy? Who in their right mind would do that?
"I'm not from here. I grew up in Jacksonville Florida" I started. I started at the beginning and told her of growing up in a Christian home, our family Bible study in the morning, coming into a relationship with Jesus Christ, being homeschooled, moving from the city to a small, country town and having to decide between fitting in or making my faith my own....
I told her about my first real crush and how God said no. Then I explained how I changed and grew during my 16th year, how I read my Bible like it was really written to me and how I started praying that I would only fall in love once and that it would be with the man I married. The words fell from my lips like a gentle rain. It was as if I was reading my life like a book. I saw the time God called me into the ministry (which all Christians are called to...which is another post!) and when I heard Him speak directly to me for the first time. It was so clear. I felt so special. "After that, I moved college when I was 17" I continued...
Then I told her of the sickness...I told her of the pain that plagued me for 4 years. Memories flooded my mind and took me back to the little pantry where I kept all my many myriads of medicine, when I was crying alone in pain because no one was there to hear or care, hearing doctor after doctor tell me that they didn't have any answers, and God all the while breaking down my pride, my perfectionism, my plans and my grasp on this life. By the time I was so sick I couldn't move from my bed, I told her that healing came. Oh, it was a miracle that happened because of the faith of the believers in my church! Ever since that day, I have been perfectly fine.
"Then two months later I met Jonathan at a Bible study" I said. That was the beginning of a new life for me. I certainly hadn't planned things to work out that way, but they did. I remembered the first time I ever held hands...it was with him...and our first kiss (my first glorious kiss) a few months before we got married. I told her how I graduated in December of '09 and how we got married the following May. I told her about how our passions are exactly the same and that we love serving together now. Then I explained how God told me to quit my job, what He was teaching me, how He led me to start this new photography adventure and that He led me to apply for this position...this ministry position that doesn't pay much and requires a lot of time and effort.
Am I crazy? Well, you could say that I suppose.
"For if we are 'out of our mind' as some say, it is for God...He died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for Him who died for their sake and was raised." (2 Corinthians 5:13,15)
Going back over my story in that interview made me realize just what God has done in my life. I am so blessed. Before I was even born He knew that I was going to be there in that chair talking to her that day. He prepared me for this. He has walked me through life in good and bad circumstances, in joy and in pain, on days I couldn't help but sing and others when all I could do was cry. Everything I am, all that I have is because of Him. He has made me new and given me a new life in Him. He died so that I might live.
So yes, I am out of my mind. I am crazy. I am foolish enough to follow Him because I realize that this life isn't mine. It hasn't been since I gave it to Him at 6 years old.
So I guess we'll see what He decides to do with it. I'm just the pages He is writing on...
Well, for starters I bought the camera I've been wanting for FOREVER!!! I love it, I really do. I am about to start a new venture in photography. I have always loved the creative process behind photography. I started using my Dad's old manual film camera when I was a kid and continued to play around with my trusty ole' point-and-shoot just to be creative. Now, the timing is finally right to pursue this passion more seriously.
I now reveal to you..........(drum roll please)...........
Go ahead and check out my new website and facebook page! This is really a dream come true. Even so, I know it will take a while to get rolling, so there are more job opportunities that I'm praying about. Still, who knows where this could go? To be honest, I have a lot of fear and feelings of inadequacy. (I mean, there are a TON of great photographers out there for goodness sake!) Still, I know this is the direction I am supposed to go. I know this is going to be tool to bring glory to Christ. I pray He uses it for His Name or takes it away. How will photography accomplish that? Well I'm not sure, but I know this is what He called me to and that He can do anything. He doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called. So here I am on the brink of a new journey. I'm excited to see where it will lead. I'm learning to trust His voice and depend on Him for each day's purpose. I'm so grateful that He has put a new tool in my hand to use for Him! I really pray that it NEVER becomes about me and what I can do, but about Him and about what He can do through a nobody who is willing to be used.
Can you tell how much I love this little guy? :) I feel like a kid on Christmas morning these days!
Well, if any of you guys live in the south-eastern states and need a photog...you know where to find one!
I just finished Shadow of the Almighty by Elizabeth Elliot the other day. Close to the end, I read this quote. Jim wrote this about one of my favorite verses in his journal just after he and Elizabeth got married...it was finally God's timing for them. It only confirmed what the Lord had spoken to my heart a while back here.
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalms 37:4
"It does not say He will give you what you want. It does say He will give you the want. Delight in Christ brings desire for Christ. He gives the heart its desires - that is, He works in us the willing. (Philippians 2:13). This is why He can say in John 15:7 'Ye shall ask what ye will...if ye abide.' The branch takes its sap from the vine, the same surges the vine feels then become the surges of the branch. My will becomes His, and I can ask what I will, if I delight myself in Him. Only then can my desire be attained, when it is His desire." (Jim Elliot)
In the last few months I have found that God has given me these desires. I know they are from Him and I know they are His leading. It's been pretty neat to look back and see that He has given me the want for different things. I have done things I never would have done, I want things I'd never want on my own, and I am in a place that I never thought I'd ever be. I only pray that He changes my desires even more, so that all of my desires become His desires.
I just thought I'd share that with you guys. It blessed me and I hope it blesses you too. :)
Hey guys! I'm back for a little bit. I'm borrowing my hubby's computer for a second today. It really has been nice to get away from distractions and make the time to read and pray. Being unemployed has been quite an adventure thus far. It has been very evident that this is God's will for my life right now. I've been learning a lot...and some of it hasn't been pretty.
I have come to realize that I need people and that I hate waiting. I don't like to admit that I hunger to be around people. I like to be independent and make myself think that I'm strong. Guess what? I'm not. After a week of waiting and praying I broke down. It was a quiet Sunday afternoon and I just couldn't take any more quietness, so I drove to Publix. (That is where I normally go when I'm angry. I shop for groceries and think. Yeah, I'm weird! Ha!) While there I had it out with God. I told him that I was so frustrated that I couldn't hold it together. I was angry that I had no answers after a week of waiting. I felt like I'd been left in the dark. He promised that if I took this step of faith, He would open the door. No door was in sight.
On the way home I stopped by a park to cry so Jonathan wouldn't see me. I hate to cry in front of people. Tears fell and washed away all my resolve. I didn't and couldn't understand. At the end of myself, I knew this was part of God's purpose. I needed to learn to trust Him in a deeper way. I had to let my fears go. After I came home, Jonathan let me cry on his shoulder. I told him that I was afraid that He would be disappointed in me and that I didn't want to be a burden to him. He reminded me that I'm not alone. He would take care of me no matter what and that I'd never disappoint Him as long as I am following God. Can I just say that I am so thankful for my husband? God was so good to give him to me.
Well, since then things have been better. I am learning to trust God for everything, for everyday. I am so amazed that I still have money in my bank account. I am astounded that I almost have enough funds for my mission trip. I am in awe of the peace that passes all understanding. In all of this God is teaching me to trust His voice. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. He has asked me to do things that don't make any sense! Still, I am trusting in His promises. He has promised to use me if I will give everything to Him without restraint. So I put all my faith in Him, even when it doesn't make sense.
And now, I am finally getting a glimpse of an open door. Jim Elliot once wrote,"the will of God is always a bigger thing than we bargain for." This has been more than I bargained for, but it is good. Being unemployed in the will of God is better than the best dream job I could even imagine. I'd rather hear His voice than the voice of any other. He is better and I am satisfied. He is has put so much joy in my heart. My cup overflows.
"For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.
O Lord of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in You!"
Hey guys, I have the immense pleasure of introducing you to my friend Bethany. She and her husband are such a sweet couple! Aren't they adorable? I know there are lots of people out there who can relate with her story as well. I have this daily struggle between living in faith and living in selfishness that she talks about. You won't want to miss this today!
Hey guys! My name is Bethany. I feel so honored to be writing for Jennifer's "Faith Spotlight"!
I wasn't exactly sure what I was going to write when Jennifer first asked me to guest post, but then I got to thinking about what the Lord has been teaching me over and over again in this season of my life.
So, here's my heart:
All of my life I feel like I have always passed my responsibilities as a Christian onto the next stage of my life. Does that make sense? I would always think, oh after I graduate I'll help those in need, or no after I have my own house, or after I'm married, or when I'm older. My fear and selfish pride have gotten in the way of me loving people and evangelizing to them. Pretty ridiculous isn't it?
Sometimes I think to myself, when what the last time I actually talked to someone about Christ? Or when was the last time I helped someone who was in need? My heart breaks when I realize that I can't even think of the last time I did either of those things. I'm a Christian...but sometimes (more often than not) my life doesn't show it. I'm sick of making excuses for myself. How many times have I driven my someone that clearly needs help and I pass them by because I don't want to get 'hurt' or be embarrassed?
So many people are hurting. And I feel like all I ever do is sit and watch. Feeling bad isn't enough anymore. God calls us to reach out to the hurting and to love them unconditionally and passionately. His call is not to be taken lightly.
He has shown me that I need to stop waiting. I need to stop putting off what needs to be done. I need to stop telling God to hold on. I need to get rid of fear. I need to be bold and live my life unashamed for Christ. I need to be real. I need to get uncomfortable and dirty. I don't need to wait to go to another country, there are people hurting HERE. In my town. Right now. I don't need to put off God's calling anymore. Gone are all of my excuses.
This life is not my own. That is so easy to say, but to really give your life to be used by Christ fully is such a daunting task. BUT it is the most beautifully rewarding thing you can possibly do with your life.
So I encourage all of you, as much as I encourage myself. Lets get out of our comfort zones and change this world through the love of Christ - not just with our words but truly with our actions!
~ Bethany
Thanks so much girl! One way you guys can get involved is to head over to Compassion's Cry
I have embarked on a new journey. To be honest, I have absolutely no idea where I'm headed. I know this is the path of the Lord's will but at times I am terrified. The simple fact of the unknown, unplanned and unseen future causes worry to fill my mind.
You see, a little over 2 weeks ago God made it very clear to me that I was supposed to quit my job. I had no doubt that my time there was over. It wasn't the most exciting job ever, but it was comfortable. I had a full time position with benefits and I worked with nice people. Still, I knew I had to leave. I had no plans and nothing else lined up. My husband told me that I needed to follow the Lord's direction, but that didn't make it any less frightening to know that the paycheck was going to end soon.
I knew my Master was telling me, "take this step of faith and I will open the door."
So I did.
Here I am almost 3 weeks later with nothing on the horizon. My heart battles back and forth between fear and faith. The question of what lies ahead is almost maddening at times. Each morning I pray fervently for direction and every day I am comforted by His Word, by His Spirit and told that I need to trust in faith. He knows that I am desperate to follow His will. He knows I will do whatever He asks of me. He knows we can't make it to much longer before the money runs out. He knows my desires. He knows...
"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for , the conviction of things not seen." (Hebrews 11:1)
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6)
Faith - it is all I have to cling to. I have faith that He is good and that He has a plan for our lives. So I wait for the word of direction. I will continue to walk along the path He has laid out for me, though I know not where it leads or what my next step will be. I rest in knowing that He is faithful though I am faithless. He will fulfill His promises. His ways are higher and I trust Him.
This has been a long time coming. It is my great pleasure to reveal Compassion's Cry. It all started back in March and it has been a long journey. Let me share a bit of the story with you...
On my way to lunch one day I was suddenly struck with a thought. I had been thinking about how I could get more involved with helping people. I knew there are tons of needs in the world, but I really didn't know where to start. So the thought came to me: What if there was a place that had lots of information about different ways to get involved and stories of what others are doing to make a difference? That night I started bouncing ideas off of my husband, but it was very clear that I couldn't tackle such a big project by myself. Nevertheless, I told God that I would obey (despite my inadequacies) if He called me to do it. Not a week later I get an email from a girl who has the same vision. Soon there are 3 of us working on this project.
Now it has come to life. So please take a minute to go check out Compassion's Cry and see what it's all about! Tell us what you think about the first post over there! Is this kind of thing needed? How might you get involved?
The pulse of worship becomes more intense with every line.
Hands raised.
Hearts open.
Over a thousand people sing out an anthem of praise.
We draw near to God.
God draws near to us.
It's so beautiful that would draw near to each one of us. As I sat in the back of the auditorium after worship, I was blown away by this thought: At the same time God was speaking to my heart, He was also speaking to so many others in the room. He speaks to each of us individually. Though hearing the same message and singing the same songs, He sees the hearts of all and has a different plan for everyone. The Spirit is vast. Just thinking about all that He was doing in that room (not to mention the rest of the world) absolutely astounded me. What knowledge! What power! What a great God.
And yet we live as if He is small.
We hear His voice and then forget what He said. We worship Him and live our own lives. We don't remember that the Bible is truly the Word of God. We fail to take the time to come before Him in awe of His majesty. Often you hear people talk about "going deeper" with God. What if we just grasped the simple things? Things like "God is love", and that we were once dead and now made alive in Christ. What if we really learned to pray and worship? What if we learned how to love? I am seeing that I know less about God than I ever have. Just the fact that He speaks to everyone at the same time, on an individual and personal level makes me want to worship. It makes me want to know my God even more.
Hands raised.
Heart open.
My heart singing out an anthem of praise.
When we draw near to God.
God draws near to us. All of us.
For now, I am just coming to Him as a child. I know nothing of His ways and I just want Him to teach me the simple things...for He has more depth than I can even fathom.
It has officially been 1 day without any coffee at all.
Honestly, I never thought I'd be able to say "I don't drink coffee". I have loved it since middle school. Despite being extra tired from lack of sleep, I woke up this morning with no desire for coffee whatsoever. No headache. No desire for it at all. (This never happens! Normally I head straight to the kitchen to make a pot.) In my last update, I really felt like I should give up coffee. I don't need to be so dependent on it, especially when I go to Ethiopia this fall. God is proving to me time and time again that He will give me the strength to do what He has called me to do. As silly as it may seem, quiting coffee has helped grow my faith in God...and so has the rest of this project thus far.
These past two months were a whole lot harder than expected. I had to go to Target to get a few wedding presents and had to force myself not to take a peek at all the cute summer clothes. I've had several strong urges to buy some new things, especially before going to weddings. I've also found myself making a mental list of all the things I "need" for my trip to Ethiopia. Yet, time and time again God breaks me, breaks my heart and I remember why He led me to do this. Through this project, my heart's sinful, selfish, and egocentric ways have come to light. At times I pity myself, feel proud of this project and others I am humbled before my Lord in tears, appalled by what is in my heart. Oh, if it were not for grace!
Today I read Psalm 57 in a different perspective. I challenge you to read this from the point of view of a young girl in sex-slavery, forced to be with 30-40 men a day. She cannot escape. Imagine reading this as an 8 year old boy forced to fight and kill in a war that is not his own. He must murder innocent people, or die. Feel the pain of a poor mother who has just had her first child. She is so malnourished that every day is one step closer to death by starvation. But her child, her precious child....is there any hope?
Now read it. How can I now go out and spend money on frivolous things? How can you?
Psalm 57
Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge;
in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by. 2I cry out to God Most High, to God whofulfills his purpose for me. 3He will send from heaven and save me; he will put to shame him who tramples me.
God will send out his steadfast love and his faithfulness!
4My soul is in the midst of liona; I lie down amid fiery beasts—
the children of man, whoseteeth are spears and arrows,
whose tongues are sharp swords.
5Be exalted, O God, above the heavens! Let your glory be over all the earth! 6They seta net for my steps; my soul was bowed down.
Theydug a pit in my way, but they have fallen into it themselves. 7My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast! I will sing and make melody! 8Awake, my glory! Awake, O harp and lyre! I will awake the dawn! 9I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples;
I will sing praises to you among the nations. 10For your steadfast love is great to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds. 11Be exalted, O God, above the heavens! Let your glory be over all the earth!
I'm not saying all this to make you feel bad for drinking coffee or buying things you don't need. I certainly have lots of things that I don't need still. I am just hoping to be a part of a generation that lives for more than American dream, a generation that lives for Christ above all else. My desire is to be the difference to the needy in the name of Jesus and in order to further the gospel.
{Photos via weheartit. I thought they were beautiful.}
"Better to love God and die unknown than to love the world and be a hero; better to be content with poverty than to die a slave to wealth; better to have taken some risks and lost than to have done nothing and succeeded at it."
-Erwin Lutzer, Pastor of Moody Church
There's not much I can add to a statement like that. It sums up my hopes for this life on earth.
I want to live free from slavery to the things of this world.
I long to be so content with loving God that nothing else matters.
I desire to attempt much for God, regardless of the outcome.
Sometimes I wonder if I will really live like that. I fear a wasted life. But you know what? I can't live like that...not without the power of God working in me. I need His Spirit to do in me what I cannot. He is the God of the impossible and He promises to show His power in our weakness.
Thus, I give Him my love, my possesions and all that I do. All things are in His hands.
Jim Elliot didn't write this in his journal after he had gotten to the mission field. He didn't write it right before he became a martyr. He wasn't even married yet, nor did he know that he would be one day. He wrote it before he even boarded the ship to sail to Ecuador. It was in a season of waiting and quietness that he penned this excerpt...no dreams fulfilled, nothing extremely great had been accomplished.
I read this and it pierced me to the core, because for a most of my existence I have measured my life's worth by my accomplishments. My success or failure impacted me greatly. When I looked at my life, I saw what I achieved, or hoped to achieve. Now I ask myself, does what I strive to attain in this life amount to anything in eternity? Does doing something great for God in the eyes of man make for a fuller life than one lived for Christ away from the spotlight and invisible to the history books?
It never really occurred to me that God may call me to do something, and it may fail in my eyes. (If it did, it was a fleeting thought.) He may call me to speak to someone and they may not respond. He may call me to do something that is an absolute waste of time in most people’s eyes. I may never do all that is in my heart. My life may be extremely brief. There have been many men and women of God that have been called to go to foreign lands only to die before they ever reach the soil. Is that a waste, a tragedy? Or might it be part of the great plans of all-knowing and all-powerful God?
I cannot claim to know the mind of God in this matter, but I do want to live every single day in such a way that I am ready and eager to meet my Lord. I want to strive for excellence in God’s perspective, not man’s. May I simply obey, not regarding the ‘success’ or ‘failure' of what I am called to do in this life. Only Jesus, His Great Name and His Kingdom matter in eternity. The greatness of mine matters less than a leaf floating in the wind. The less I am, the greater His power in my life.
If life ends tomorrow, will it be known that I lived for things that matter eternally or for my own personal (or even religious) achievements? There is a difference. Oh, there is a vast difference between achievements and a life spent for the sake of Christ.
As I plough ahead, death may lie shortly before me. I may head into a life that is far from what I ever dreamed. Even so, it can be full simply because I have God, I know Him and I live for Him. I have set my course - it it Christ. I cannot look back and be effective for the Kingdom.
So here I go. I'm digging my feet in and heading where He leads. I'm not looking back at things that have passed. I’m not taking glances at those who are headed on a different path. I'm not going to mourn the loss of my broken dreams that will be crushed under the weigh and worthiness of the Gospel. In reality I will lose nothing and gain Christ. I will love my life because God has given it, but I will not hold it too close for His sake, for the Gospel.
Failure means nothing. Success, it is meaningless. For Jesus alone I live and for Jesus alone I will die.
I just got back from an amazing anniversary weekend with my love. I should be refreshed. I should be rejuvenated. I should be ready for this week.
But I’m not.
Instead I lay my head down on our couch and close my eyes for the last few moments before I head out the door. My Bible is at my finger-tips…but it remains there. Unread. My journal sits next to it. Unmarked. My prayers remain within me. Unspoken.
Why? It’s because I have rested, but I have not rested in Him. I have let my dreams creep back into my heart without being surrendered. Dreams that have not been broken to submission to the Lord are dangerous. They can take over the mind and torture. They brew impatience and boil with the urge to rebel. My soul is wild and reckless – it needs a bridle.
What is my dream? It is to pick up the guitar and sing - to compose new songs of praise to my Creator. I yearn to go and sit at my desk and write – write until my fingers are numb and my creative juices have nothing left to be squeezed. I long to be a voice in this generation – I voice that cries out for justice for the oppressed and mercy for the needy – for faith without works is dead. Good things are they not? Still, I know that good things are often the enemy of the best.
For now I am beckoned to silence. “Be faithful in little, My daughter” I am told. Deep down I know that my heart is proud. My very will needs breaking. My soul needs purging from its desire to do something great for the Lord. I have more clarity than ever, but it seems that vision is so far away at the same time. Is it not enough just to have Him, O heart? Though He withholds an answer, is He not still worthy to be praised?
And so I come yet again to surrender. I let Him break me, my dreams and all that I hold most dear. I cannot put my desires above Him. Life is too short to waste in mourning for broken dreams. Nothing is worth holding onto except for Him.
May my heart say evermore, “You alone, O God, are enough.”
This is us back in the day...aka: when we were dating.
Lately I’ve gotten several questions about dating. How do you know when you find ‘the one’? What is some advice on dating and God-scripted love stories? I can’t tell you exactly the formula that will work for you, but I can share how God led me.
Well, let me take you back to where it all started…
Silently I sat on my bed by the window, clutching my bible and Passion & Purity by Elisabeth Elliot in my arms. “Daughter, I never promised that you would get married.” I heard Him whisper to my heart. After several months I realized that if God was asking for my dream of getting married, then He had a good reason to do so. So I gave that dream to Him – which sounds a lot easier than it really was for me. How do you really put into words what it means to surrender?
The rest of my highschool days pasted without huge struggles about being single. But soon those days were over and I found myself at a small Christian college. It was here that I struggled a lot with the desire for a relationship. Sometimes my heart ached so badly that I thought it would break from loneliness. It was a season of waiting. There were a few guys that I met on mission trips and various events and I’d ask God, “what about him?”
This is where I advise you to be very careful. Our hearts can be very deceitful. I can’t tell you how many times I thought “I could marry them” or “If they asked me, I would date them”. Don’t let your desires skew your thinking. Seek the Lord and He will reveal the right time. Lots of times He said “no” by never allowing me to see my crush again, or I found out they started dating someone else.
I met Jonathan the Spring semester of my sophomore year at a Bible study where he led worship. He had it all – he was tall, dark, ruggedly handsome, funny, outgoing and played guitar. I liked him more than anyone I’d ever met just from that first encounter. Even so, I didn’t pay him much attention the first few weeks. (He later told me that he probably wouldn’t have been as interested in me if I had. He didn’t want someone who just came to a Bible study to meet guys.) The next few months were spent getting to know each other at the Bible study.
How did I know he was ‘it’? Well, the first sign was our similar passions. Pretty early on he asked me where I thought the Lord was leading me in life – I had never met someone whose God-given passions were the same as mine. Exactly! Second, was the way he pursued me. He was careful, respectful and intentional. Some of the first questions he asked me when we started “talking” were about my salvation and views on the Bible (which made a big impression on me). I knew he was serious about me. He wasn’t just playing around with my heart – he told me that I was the kind of girl he prayed God would give him one day.
Once it became clear that it was almost time to move on to dating, we spent 2 weeks apart with no communication in order to seek the Lord. It was an agonizing 2 weeks for me. In my heart, I knew that I already loved him. Even so, I gave all my hopes for this relationship to the Lord. I didn’t hear a “no” this time. I felt at peace with moving on and I knew that Jonathan was a man that I could trust with my heart. Sure, I had a few doubts here and there as we dated, but they were mostly in regards to the real person I found. I knew that I could not change him, so I had to ask myself if these were imperfections I was willing to live with for the rest of my life. Time and time again, I said yes and fell more deeply in love with this wonderful (and yet very human) man.
Was it scary and overwhelming at times? You bet. Still, in those moments I knew that the Lord was leading me. I had no doubt that I had sought His guidance and He had led me to this man. He chose me and I chose him…and we’ve never looked back.
The things of the heart are deep any mysterious. I don’t know where you are or what your past looks like. I can’t tell you anything but to seek the Lord. He knows our hearts and He knows what we need far better than we do. Trust Him, wait for Him. Your heart may break. Your dreams may shatter. Your soul may ache. Mine did. But there is always a purpose. The plans He has are far better than we can ask or think.
“Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man
The things which God has prepared for those who love Him.”
– 1 Corinthians 2:9
PS: I know I haven't gotten to some of your questions, but I promise the answers are coming. :)
I've been reading through "Shadow of the Almighty" by Elisabeth Elliot. This was inspired by what I've been reading:
God I pray, light these sticks of my life for You
Let all that I am be consumed
Make me a flame
Make me a flame
Take my life, for my life is not mine to save
Have it all Lord, and have Your way
Make me a flame
Make me a flame
Make me a burning flame
All-consumed for Your name
No matter how brief my life may be
And when this life is done
May it be Your name on my tongue
Jesus, for You I give everything
I'm no fool to give what I cannot keep
To gain more and more of Thee
Make me a flame
Make me a flame
Send me out, to light other souls for You
Let me make known to them Your truth
Make me a flame
Make me a flame
It is so easy for my heart to become languid and for passion to lay dormant in my soul. Sometimes it is of great benefit just to go outside, to clear my head of all the distractions of daily life and get alone with God. Today is one of those days. I seem to have let "doing things for God" become a burden instead of a joy. Even so, when I finally quiet my heart - He is there. He calls me to come and taste the delights of knowing Him.
I have always loved this quote from Jim Elliot's journal:
"I walked out to the hill just now. It is exalting, delicious. To stand embraced by the shadows of a friendly tree with the wind tugging at your coat-tails and the heavens hailing your heart - to gaze and glory and to give oneself again to God, what more could a man ask? Oh the fullness, pleasure, sheer excitement of knowing God on earth. I care not if I ever raise my voice again for Him, if only I may love Him, please Him. Mayhap in mercy He shall give me a host of children that I may lead through the vast star fields, to explore His delicacies, whose finger-ends set them to burning. But if not, if only I may see Him, tough His garments, and smile into my Lover's eyes - ah, then, not stars, nor children shall matter - only Himself." (Jim Elliot)
I want my heart to know that same overjoyed bliss in knowing my Savior on earth.
Today, I know I just need to push pause on all that I need to get done and just rest in Him, worship Him, seek Him and remember...
I am small...
My life is brief...
He is eternal...
Knowing Him is beyond comparison...
"When I look at Your heavens, the work of Your fingers,
the moon and the stars, which You have set in place,
what is man that You are mindful of him,
and the son of man that You care for him?"
(Psalm 8:3)
The heavens declare the glory of God (Psalm 19:1), and I can see it, hear it if only I take a moment to marvel and the magnificence of my God. Life is too short not to live it running passionately after Jesus. Like Paul, Jim Elloit and countless others, my goal is to know Him...but sometimes I lose focus.
Throughout my life I have found that spending a little time out in nature and in prayer helps to rejuvenate my soul and refocus my heart to seek after knowing more of God. What has worked for you?
