Hey guys! I'm back for a little bit. I'm borrowing my hubby's computer for a second today. It really has been nice to get away from distractions and make the time to read and pray. Being unemployed has been quite an adventure thus far. It has been very evident that this is God's will for my life right now. I've been learning a lot...and some of it hasn't been pretty.
I have come to realize that I need people and that I hate waiting. I don't like to admit that I hunger to be around people. I like to be independent and make myself think that I'm strong. Guess what? I'm not. After a week of waiting and praying I broke down. It was a quiet Sunday afternoon and I just couldn't take any more quietness, so I drove to Publix. (That is where I normally go when I'm angry. I shop for groceries and think. Yeah, I'm weird! Ha!) While there I had it out with God. I told him that I was so frustrated that I couldn't hold it together. I was angry that I had no answers after a week of waiting. I felt like I'd been left in the dark. He promised that if I took this step of faith, He would open the door. No door was in sight.
On the way home I stopped by a park to cry so Jonathan wouldn't see me. I hate to cry in front of people. Tears fell and washed away all my resolve. I didn't and couldn't understand. At the end of myself, I knew this was part of God's purpose. I needed to learn to trust Him in a deeper way. I had to let my fears go. After I came home, Jonathan let me cry on his shoulder. I told him that I was afraid that He would be disappointed in me and that I didn't want to be a burden to him. He reminded me that I'm not alone. He would take care of me no matter what and that I'd never disappoint Him as long as I am following God. Can I just say that I am so thankful for my husband? God was so good to give him to me.
Well, since then things have been better. I am learning to trust God for everything, for everyday. I am so amazed that I still have money in my bank account. I am astounded that I almost have enough funds for my mission trip. I am in awe of the peace that passes all understanding. In all of this God is teaching me to trust His voice. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. He has asked me to do things that don't make any sense! Still, I am trusting in His promises. He has promised to use me if I will give everything to Him without restraint. So I put all my faith in Him, even when it doesn't make sense.
And now, I am finally getting a glimpse of an open door. Jim Elliot once wrote,"the will of God is always a bigger thing than we bargain for." This has been more than I bargained for, but it is good. Being unemployed in the will of God is better than the best dream job I could even imagine. I'd rather hear His voice than the voice of any other. He is better and I am satisfied. He is has put so much joy in my heart. My cup overflows.
"For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.
O Lord of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in You!"