I was sick, isolated and felt so alone...
December 15, 2008
Facing reality is something I hate. I've gained 10 pounds in water weight and I can't explain why. I can't fit in any of my clothes. Thus, I am very discouraged. It's so hard at home. O God, I need you. Tears, tears, tears....
"I will not offer to the Lord my God burnt offering that cost me nothing." (2 Samuel 24:24)
This costs much. This cuts deep. Still, if this is what You want from me, I am willing. I am Yours. Only give me strength. Be my joy. All of mine is gone with my health.
Be near O God, be near!
If only the words on this page could measure the volume of the anguish of my soul, it would sound off a scream into the heavens. Yes, my soul screams...and then retreats back into this hole. Bring me out of this pit, out from my silent screaming. Bring me out...
Shine the light into this darkness that seems unending.
December 18, 2008
" Remember we have bargained with Him who bore a cross...Our silken selves must know denial. Hear Amy Carmichael:
O Prince of Glory, who doest bring
Thy songs to glory through the cross,
Le us not shrink from suffering
Reproach or loss."
(Herbert Ironside Elliot)
Why does the truth have to be painful? Why must growth and intimacy with You involve suffering? I do not yet fully comprehend it. My faith is small. I wonder that you do not reproach me and say, "Look what I bore on you behalf, child! con anything you go through in this life compare to the suffering of the cross, of the beatings, of the scourging that I went through? Anything? Why then do you question Me?" No, You look on me with love, bring me into Your tender embrace and pull my heart to You.
How unfaithful and undeserving I am! Forgive me for my waywardness! I have resented You in my pain for giving this to me. What a wretch, that I should pity myself when I know plainly that the LORD of the universe suffered infinitely worse on my account to pay MY debt.
"Our silken selves must know denial." I am selfish. I don't want denial. Lord, teach me to look at the cross, the Master I have chosen, the life I gave into, and the One worthy of all the suffering, reproach, persecution and loss that this world and this life can put on me. I do not think of "pain" when I look at You.
If only this suffering were for souls or for the gospel, but at present I see no reason. This doesn't mean You don't have one, but I don't understand. Help me to look at You in this as well and PRAISE You, my Savior. How little my heart has praised You - the only one worthy of my praise.
Once again, I give up.
I give into Your ways.
I love You.